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Doc Returns: The Gowd Stot


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It had been many months since I last revisited consciousness in the Dual Universe. A dream of some faraway place reminded me of this world, and I awoke to find the strangest signal, encouraging me to hunt for the GO_D ST__ -- Despite the poor reception of the audio transmission, I knew it could only mean one thing... 


"The Gowd Stot!"


Of course. Gowd is Scottish slang for "The Gold" as in winning. And a "stot" is leaping in the air, like a Gazelle. So it must translate to "The Winners Leap!" (and are also, apparently Scottish)


It all made sense.


My quest would begin in earnest, just as soon as my suit finished downloading updates so I could walk around without my spine and legs being separated like that poor guy before the patch. Idly, I wondered if the resolution on my mining equipment had improved any.


Also, where did I park?

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Well, something wasn't right. Didn't I have a base in the wilderness or something? I could swear I had a whole network of tunnels and a busted speeder I broke down for parts and--what's this? 


Some bitchin' betty voice was telling me to get moving, and welcoming me to Novaria, and something about moving around. I quickly dismissed it and went around poking random buttons and speaking into screens.


"I will have a scotch. Neat. Two fingers." 


"Please open the tools display," said Betty, which I had now decided her name was. Also, that the computer was a Her.










This was getting me nowhere. After playing on the elevator for a while, making idle conversation with Betty, who--let's face it, just wasn't in to me. There was a nice couch by a window, and my suit sprang to life with all sorts of lights and buttons. 


"Cool. What's this button do, Betty?"


"You are not authorized to push that button."


"How about this one?"


"That's the same button, Doctor. Please select the button I am highlighting in green."


"That button is so booooring though. What's this one do?"


"It disables the tutorial."


"What's a tutorial?"


"It's like an instruction book for life."


"Pffft. That's what scotch is for!" I began seeing if the integrated jet pack would let me play the most epic game of The Floor is Lava ever. "Hey, Betty, watch this!"


"Please note that the safety and consideration of your fellow--"




I'm sure she said something else, but my latest leap had taken me onto this cool speeder thing, which I hopped in and crashed through the nearest wall, and headed toward the nearest group of people. And if there is one constant throughout this universe or the next one, it's that whenever you have people, you have booze. And in space, that made it Space Booze, which is somehow 20 times better.


After unsuccessfully braking in time and what were probably some pretty serious injuries, I left the smoking heap beside a giant building that looked vaguely familiar. It said "Military Academy."


"Betty, are you thinking what I'm thinking?"


"Certainly not, Doctor."


"That's too bad, because I see a lot of flashing lights and buttons that need me to push them."


"If you could just stop for five seconds and--"



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I awoke from my latest blackout to find a half-assembled pirate ship with hover engines and something that looked like it would eventually be a sail or something.

"Oh. My. G-d."

"Ah, Doctor McStabbins. When your body went into an alocholic coma, I feared you would not reawaken."

"Betty, are you seeing this?"

"It's the remains of the museum speeder you stole, as well as the tree you ran it into, right before you insisted the Janitor's closet at the Military Academy was an Officers Cantina, and drank all their cleaning supplies."

"It's a pirate ship, Betty, and my name is no longer Doc McStabbins, it's CAPTAIN KICKASS! Of the S. S... Space Pirate Ship... okay it needs work. But you can call me Captain Kickass from now on, going forward, is what I'm trying to say."

"I'm not calling you that, Doctor."

"Captain Kickass and the... Bountiful...Booty!"

"That doesn't even make sense."

"Shut up! Also, hand me that tool box."

"I'm just an AI communicating to you through a helmet speaker."

"And you can AI over to my tool box and bring it here."

"That's not--"

"Shut up. Fine. I'll do it myself. Hey, where can I buy some cannons?"

"Please no."

"Yeah, like, big space cannons that shoot space lasers!"

"You are a civilia--"

"I AM CAPTAIN KICKASS! Arrrrrrr ye with me?"


"Shut up! The Military Academy has a gift shop!"

"That's an Armory!"


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