The Mittens

[The_Mittens]

Ladies, Gentlemen, Young & Old, may you welcome me, in the accepting embrance of your community.


Many of you know me, as The Mittani, the legend of EVE Online, modest and mild-mannered CEO of The Imperium, formerly known as the CFC. Many of you may wonder why the name change, from The Mittani, to The Mittens. For that, we must go back to my infamous legend, of not logging into EVE Online.

You see, many think I lead from the shadows, as I do think so myself, lest we forget how I single-handedly defeated Test and everyone else before & after them. The truth is, The Mittani, does not represent the true nature of my skillset, or lack there of.

You see, playing EVE Online, is a stressful experience, something I found out very early on, when I had to press number 1 and number 5 on my keyboard at the same time, something that is impossible due to my cocktail sausage fingers, something that also made it impossible to wear grown up gloves, as I get flipper finger issues with them, with the exception of mittens-- hence, the Mittens. In my time in EVE Online, I spent most of my subscription hours offline, to avoid having to actually struggle with leadership, which requires much of pressing keys, so, I created a cult, which worships me as The Mittani and while I get all the credits and revenue of my multi thousand dollars media conglomerate, they wallow in mediocrity and I get to feed my ego to compensate for my cocktail sausage fingers.


What to expect from the new and improved The Mittens and the better and updated The Derpirium? Same old features, prevalent in all of our discussions.

 

• You do something right, I get the credits.
• I do something right, I get the credits.
• You do something wrong, you get the credits.
• I do something wrong, you get the credits.

Any deviation from the Mitten's plan of attack, will be met with the same amount of shrill in comms and a cocktail sausage finger pinch, which my nanny can testify that it is really painful, a move I call "Crouching Mitten, Hidden Groundhog".


And now, some questions, many of you long-fingered people might have.


​ 1) What kind of individuals does The Derpirium aims on recruiting?


Our aim, is for people who have long fingers, so they can play as my character and give me glory, while I earn revenue from my multi thousand dollars media empire. We also only recruit people of 18+ years, as I can't man-handle toddlers, because they remind of my toddler-sized fingers and I may end up crying, or going into another FanFest and getting drunk due to the immense amount of times I hear the word "cocktail" or "sausage".


 2) What am I expecting from the Developers of Dual Universe?


I will be expecting a formal acknowledgement from the Developers on NovaQuark, of sovereignity in the game, hopefully giving me and The Derpirium, a head start, as I don't think I can grasp on any of Dual Universe's game mechanics, I barely even know EVE Online, I have like thirty guys who run The Imperium for me, I only get to pretend I'm important.


 3) What kind of future may hold for The Derpirium?

Whatever the future may hold, all the victories I achieve and all the defeats you brought onto The Derpirium, you always have to remind yourselves, that through our collective efforts, our collective strength and fortitude, our every minute spent on mining, crafting and fighting, our very essence that goes into our every tactical decision, espionage and diplomatic maneuvers, that on every living moment spent on making The Derpirium great again, down to the very last man standing in the battlefield, you all shall remember, that collectively, 


  I  DID   IT  .

 

The Mittens, CEO of The Derpirium.




 

[Cybrex]

This is some top tier shit-posting. Forgive the language.

 

+1

[Garimon]

Please, for the love of all that is good and holy, I hope we don't bring the worst aspects of EvE's forums here. I get that this is supposed to be funny and satirical, but I hope and pray that Alex doesn't find this game and its forums don't become filled with the garbage that goon forums everywhere are famous - read infamous - for.

 

I truly enjoy Eve, but I made a reply post on a different thread talking about the toxicity of forums, those can be some of the worst.

 

-Garimon

[Kongou]

Oh my gosh, The Mittens you are my hero!

 

Everything I strive to be and ever wanted in life you already are and already have!

 

Time to disband everything and join the one true power, glory to the Mittens!

[Wilks Checkov]

Please, for the love of all that is good and holy, I hope we don't bring the worst aspects of EvE's forums here. I get that this is supposed to be funny and satirical, but I hope and pray that Alex doesn't find this game and its forums don't become filled with the garbage that goon forums everywhere are famous - read infamous - for.

 

I truly enjoy Eve, but I made a reply post on a different thread talking about the toxicity of forums, those can be some of the worst.

 

-Garimon

As a former member of GSF myself, I will happily call bs on this topic. . . hahahahaha

[The_War_Doctor]

this was good for a wonderful laugh. thank you and welcome lol

[Bella_Astrum]

Hello and welcome! That's certainly a nice, humorous intro.

[Dominar]

I'm in love with you guys already. A tophat, a sassy tux, and a name such as the Mittens? Hohoho boy. I swear, in love over here.

[Vyz Ejstu]

"What would be really shocking, is if it really was the Mittani. Here in flesh and blood--well flashes and binary, this is too good to be true! Welcome to Dual Universe, Mittens."

[DaSchiz]

Such a newbie .... says so above his avatar even.